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Fawzy Zablah

WESTON, FLORIDA (CIRCA 1996)

This boy wearing an oversized platinum blond wig with black wraparound sunglasses walked into the house with a gray/purple/orange water gun the size of a cannon and started firing randomly at the kids in the living room. The stream of water reached so far it sprayed kids’ backs as they ran into other rooms. The ones that weren’t hit screamed and tried to escape past the kitchen to the pool area. One boy with rosy cheeks still sitting on the couch watching Ren & Stimpy on the TV stood up frozen in fear with his skinny legs shaking like palm trees. The blond boy had to just look at him and Rosy Cheeks let out a high pitch squeal that had the potential to bounce from every wall inside the house. Blondie put his index finger to his lips, and then, raising the water cannon gently, fired rapidly, soaking the boy completely from head to toe.

After finishing him off, Blondie walked through the kitchen splashing every kid on the way. One kid he hit right in the face, and another one on his butt leaving a big wet mark like he’d just pooped himself.  When a tall, gangly boy tried to tackle Blondie, he shot him square in the stomach and he went down quick like a bowling pin. Then another kid, a kind of roly poly kid, trying to get away, ran over Gangly Boy while he escaped to the bedrooms. 

But Blondie wasn’t having it, ‘cause he followed Roly Poly down the hallway. From the doorway of the last bedroom he could hear crying inside, then he noticed a bulky figure behind the shiny blood red curtains and looking down to see little feet he fired mercilessly, drenching the entire area. Roly Poly didn’t have a chance; the poor bastard.

“Ha ha!” Blondie said, running out of the bedroom and back to the kitchen.

Once he was in the kitchen, a tall black boy tried to snatch the water cannon from him, but he was quicker and shot him in the stomach. Blondie went berserk after that and started shooting indiscriminately at girls, boys, toddlers and even the pets. Cats were quick to escape, but the dogs were not so lucky, getting drenched in water.

Little bodies jumped and/or fell into the pool and other kids running on tables trampled plates with cake and ice cream on them. The screams and the running and the crying and the collapse was in vivid colors and foggy like a dream.

From inside the pool area enclosure he then went right through the screen door to the backyard and found other kids hiding behind trees and bushes. One little tyke with curly hair and chubby cheeks was crying the loudest and Blondie splashed him so good with that water stream he did a flip all the way to the fence. A bulky girl with fish braids tried to get Blondie from behind, but boy that Blondie was too quick, so he soaked her like a firefighter standing in front of a dumpster fire.

As Blondie started aiming at a chubby boy calmly swinging on a hammock, a boy and a girl ran behind him with blue/white water guns yelling “Freeze! Police!”

“I said freeze!”

“Police! Drop the gun!”

Blondie did a quick spin but while pumping to reload, the kids with the blue/white water guns shot him in the legs, face and chest, pushing him back with such force that he dropped the water canon and his wraparound shades went flying from his face. They didn’t stop shooting even as he held his neck, throwing himself on the grass, rolling a couple of times and then laying flat on his stomach with his platinum blond wig still on his head.

The girl kicked the water cannon away from Blondie. The boy checked Blondie’s pulse and said, “He’s dead, detective. Good shot.”

“Same to you Sergeant Moseley. Same to you.”

“How many victims do you think we have Detective Sanchez?”

The girl surveyed the pool area and started counting fast, “About fifteen victims in the vicinity and many more inside the house.”

“It’s just a damn shame,” said Sergeant Moseley.

“Yes,” said Detective Sanchez, tapping Blondie on his leg to make sure he was dead.

Blondie rolled on his back with his eyes half open and then closed them.

Sergeant Moseley picked up the gray/purple/orange water cannon.

“Look at it Sanchez. Such a magnificent killing machine.”

She stood alongside him admiring the humongous water gun.

A doorbell rang. Birds scattered from tree branches. Iguanas rustled in bushes. Kids opened their eyes. And now before them, in the doorway of the pool screen, overlooking all the small bodies on the grass, stood a pale teenager dressed in black with yellow eyes majestically announcing:  “MAGGOTS… THE PIZZA IS HERE!”

All the kids in the pool and the ones playing dead on the grass got up quickly and started running back into the house. Detective Sanchez and Sergeant Moseley helped Blondie to his feet and followed everyone inside.

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Fawzy Zablah is the author of the short story collection Ciao! Miami and the novel Rarity of the Century.